In my novel-in-progress, tentatively called Pet Stories: A genius groupie in the kennel
of Master Morticue Ambergrand, aliens come to Earth and find a species of
primate that remind them of pets they left behind on Jadderbad. They discover
evidence of million-year-old ruins, but don’t connect those artifacts with the
primates they discover. Instead they make pets of them. Here is an excerpt
where Morticue, a Natural Philosopher interested in the alien artifacts,
‘explains’—in the presence of his pet groupie (human) named Fum—the
requirements for intelligent life:
“Well,
Fum, point one: it’s obvious that any intelligent creature should be one that
delays sex until after metamorphosis. The passions of sex—from what I’ve heard
of the published reports of adults who have made the transition—and taken the
time to record their experiences—those passions cloud the mind to the point where
rational thought disintegrates. I’m sure you would agree. I’ve seen you rutting
around the neighbor’s female groupies, deaf to commands.” Morticue paused and
scratched his hide with several available hands. “But animals undergoing
metamorphosis on this planet are few and small-brained creatures. Could they
have a collective hive mind greater than the sum of its parts?”
Morticue
shrugged most of his shoulders. “Point two: Intelligent life most likely needs
a dispersed nervous system like Jadderbadians—various sub brains to handle
routine bodily functions. That frees the primary Great Ganglion for rational
thought.” Morticue looked at Fum who had picked up some sort of polished stone
from the box and was holding it with one hand while stroking it with the digit
of the other. “And yes, point three: Intelligent life needs many manipulative
organs to handle the environment. Two obviously stunts mental growth.”
Fum
smiled as he stroked the stone.
Morticue
raised his third leg from tripod stance and ambled over to Fum with the
remaining two legs. “What do you have there, boy?” Morticue extended his right
lateral second row arm and Fum placed the stone into his hand. “Ah, a worked
and polished fossil. Probably a trinket of some ancient craftsman.” Morticue
sniffed the object carefully, viewing it in detail with all three eyes.
“Marble. The fossil of some sort of shelled sea creature. I see some unusual
markings in the ultraviolet. Of course, that leads to point four: Any
intelligent life needs a broad spectrum of sensory input. That’s the problem
with you groupies, after all. Very limited olfactory lobes; vision ends in the
purple wavelengths somewhere.”
As humans, we prize our own skills
and talents: The use of symbolic language, acute vision, the ability to imagine
alternate realities, recognition of our social peers (and their motives) and
some talent at logical deduction—but had birds, for example, taken a slightly
different evolutionary turn and African primates become extinct, would they
admire the same kinds of attributes? It can be fun to think about.
